One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I decided to move my FB updates on Mom to my blog since they are getting longer and longer.

Mom can now talk again. Not perfect but I can understand her most of the time. She's scared. She started crying and said, "I have cancer."

Autumn and I said, "No you don't"

She argued, "Yes, I do!! I am dying."

I told her we're all dying but I would tell her if she had cancer. We had to get the nurse in there and I think we may have her convinced for now. She was great and explained everything to her about why she is there and what they are treating her for and she seemed to understand. I may have to tell her again and again. Her biggest fear my whole life has been that she'll get cancer. It was kind of a joke. My dad said once, "Billie's always been afraid she'd get cancer and I'm the one that got it." He passed away at 52 and she is 83 and still afraid of cancer. I told her I had cancer and I'm still here, but you don't even have it so quit worrying about it. Everytime she has an issue, she says, I bet it's cancer. She actually did have skin cancer but not bad.

Still, she does have a clue about what is happening to her. She has always been sharp as a tack. Only a year ago she did every crossword puzzle she could find. She told me later, "I don't want to die." I told her it was up to her and God, I don't have anything to do with it but she has a lot of people waiting for her and it'll be a wonderful. happy place and she has no reason to be afraid because she accepted Jesus as her Savior. I alos told her that until then, we are doing everything we can to keep her comfortable and well.

Very hard to see your mother so frightened and not really in her right mind. At least she can verbalize now and we know what she's feeling and can talk to her about her fears.

Most of the time she's smiling and happy. Last night she was breathing pretty heavy but today seemed much better. They give her Dilauded for comfort to help with the breathing, I don't think she's in any pain. She has moments of different personalities, they're all hers, just sort of separated into different groups. The scared Billie, the almost childlike Billie, the tired Billie, and knocked out Billie.

I asked if she wanted me to read some more of the book I've been reading to her. She smiled big and said, "Yes." She's enjoying the book, Heaven is For Real. It's a really good book.

So I read a chapter and in the middle of the second one she started to say something. I said you want me to stop now. She said, "yes." I could tell she was tired. We left to go get something to eat and let her rest. We left our things behind so she'd know we'd be right back. Paige was with us (2 year old grand-daughter) and was very upset we left it. She is going to be very controlling someday. What am I saying, she already is.

We went to the gift shop and picked out a stuffed puppy for Mom. Well, Paige picked it out, a pink poodle with big eyes. She insisted on two. "One for Nanny and One for Me." Who could say no? Then she didn't want to leave Nanny's with her and pitched a fit when we left. Very strong willed and prissy at that. The lady in the cafe thought she was in pageants by the way she walked and put her hand on her hip. Nope, it's all natural.

When I got home, a different doctor than yesterday called and he was sooo nice. He's leaving information in the room for me about the artificial nourishment (feeding tube), etc. They think the dementia disease is so progressive that it would not be ethical to insert a feeding tube. Our concern is that she will starve to death and be hungry. They said her brain will not tell her she's hungry but we can just let her eat what she can for pleasure. I'm prone to agree. She had chocolate pudding today and had some trouble swallowing but she enjoyed it and smiled. She had a little ice cream too and swallowed. As long as she can have her sweets she'll be happy. She had already volunteerily quit eating and pretty much quit meat. Nothing was tasting good or she just didn't feel like eating.

I hope I am not bringing anyone down with my updates but this is just what is going on and if it is hard to read, I'm really sorry. I know her friends and family are so concerned and waiting on any word and the best way to let you all know is to post it publicly for all to see. Easier than calling one by one and phone chains can get information all mixed. I'm not even sure I remember everything the doctor tells me and miss important facts from person to person. I think my head starts spinning at "Hello, I'm Dr. so and so."

So this is my journal of how Mom is doing and her ups and downs. I'm sure later I'll read it and say, Wow, I totally forgot about that. I'll be glad I wrote it all down. I re-read my caringbridge one day and I found it very interesting and had totally forgot a few things. When you are battling cancer or any disease, you seem to make it through by the grace of God just when you need it. Of course, same goes when you're caring for a family member. I am amazingly calm but I do have some extra help with that besides my family, who have been great.

People say if there's anything I can do let me know. I hate to ask anyone for anything, always have which is why I get stressed out. I am hoping if I have a takaway from this I will be more aggressive and doing and not just offering since I know what it's like now more than before. One of the best ways to help is to sit with her. I need time away but I don't want her to be alone. I want to be there 24/7 but I can't. Yet, I now she's better when I'm there so I feel rather guilty when I'm not. I try to go everyday or night. I did it in the nursing home and now in the hospital but it's harder since Baylor is farther away and I still work 40 hours a week.

Mom needs to know people care about her. She has always needed that since I can remember. Her self esteem has never been too high and she needs constant reassurance that she is loved. I don't know why, maybe from something in her childhood but she loves visits even if she cries, which she has always been over emotional. She passed that on to us so it's a genetic thing.

Our house is torn apart with a plumbing leak and weird flies are everywhere. Mike is going to try to fix it himself and we have to repair the floor and move all the furniture. Our finances are pathetic. I know God will provide but with all that is going on, it is so stressful I haven't even had time to pay the regular bills. It's so depressing and I'm sure I'm racking up late charges.

I'm so tired I'm running on adrenaline. My blood sugar as been a little high this week, probably from not eating regular meals or just not being hungry when I do have food in front of me.

We have a  busy day tomorrow with Reace being head cheerleader, then taking Kaylyn to the zoo for her internship and leaving Autumn and the other girls while Mike and I attend a photography workshop, then back to the zoo and Harry Hines to a shop for the cheerleaders. It's sort of a happy day outing to put set aside some of the pain and just have some fun. I'm not sure we'll get to do it all but we'll see if the stars align and give us a much needed break. Then we'll head back to the hospital to see Mom.

If you are still reading after this ridiculously long post, I Love you All and Thanks for All the Prayers. My friends and family Rock.
Karen

Grandmommy's picture

While the boys were in town, my daughters tried to make me my very own

 GRANDMOMMY pic kind of like

Papaw's Father's day gift last year.

This is a little blurry, I pulled it off Facebook from a cell phone upload. But you get the idea.

I've been giving them fits to make me one.

Well . . . 

Nice try girls.

 Paige was not in a cooperative mood and if you look close, Lacey is hiding behind the tree holding up Elijah so her legs are hilariously behind Paige who is holding the DM that is supposed to be between the N and O. But you know what? I love it. It's real in typical kid's style.

Of course, I wouldn't mind having Photoshop if I knew how to use it.

Hopefully that will be someday soon.

After I pay off the insurance company for repairing my car from accidently backing into a truck last week. The truck survived, my lift gate did not. $249 deductible is about what I had planned to spend on Photoshop on sale. Oh well.

Life is a bowl of cherries, and you just have to spit out the pits so you can taste the sweetness. 

Butterfly Magic

I couldn't resist sharing a picture of this beautiful butterfly
I encountered on our Kansas trip while visiting my daughter's family.
Trying to capture these fluttering creatures digitally is quite a trick.
They don't like to sit still for two seconds.

This was taken at the Salina, KS Wildlife Adventure. It is a small zoo but any bigger and I might not have made it all the way through. It was hot, I was tired, and the camera got heavy. I'm not a long distance walker due to osteoarthritis in my right knee but the new knee brace was a life saver. I'll add more pics of the trip soon. Lacey and her two boys came home with us so we are crazy busy.

I am blessed to have all three of my children and five grandchildren in one house for short time. It felt so good hearing all of their voices together today as they talked and laughed. Not that it's always fun and games. Three of the crew were under the weather today so looking forward to good health tomorrow and a family portrait before we have to take our three visitors back and lose them once again to the Kansas plains.

Getting Organized - A Tutorial - Ribbon Storage out of recycled Pringle cans

I am always looking for ways to be more organized. So here is something Autumn started doing while we were on vacation. Using the (cleaned out) Pringle can to store rolls of ribbon.

 

Then today she mentioned she thought of covering the cans with scrapbook paper and putting a scrap of ribbon on the outside so we'll know which ribbon is in which can. Of course, I jumped on it and covered a couple for her today.

First, eat all the Pringles (or put them in a baggie) and wipe out the can really good so the salt or grease from the chips doesn't get on the ribbon. Then cut the 12 X 12 scrapbook paper sheet down to size to fit the can.

I used double sided tape around the bottom, top and middle of the can to stick it down, then put a strip down the inside to hold it all down tight.

 I used another strip down the seam to put the scraps of ribbon.

Using the heat tool I cut a scrap off of each roll to add to the side of the can.

Put the scraps on the sticky tape and

and Voila, ribbon storage.

More Pics of the Teacher's Gift Boxes

Here are pictures I promised you of the other boxes I made tonight. So cute.

 I added the teacher's names in precut letters to the spine.

 My favorite I think.

All finished.

 I put felt in the bottom of the box and added a bead for a handle.

Not that it needs a knob but it's cute.

And candy bars for a treat.

And my beautiful daughter Autumn put them in the plastic bags for the girl's teachers tomorrow.

Day one, done!

 This is my side of the craft room. I'll post pics of the room after I get one more side done.

I worked most of the day Saturday. It's looking pretty good.

I forgot to mention the beautiful blouse I'm wearing was a gift from my hubby yesterday.

He's so thoughtful. He went to Walmart yesterday and when he got home I asked, "What'd you buy me?" He said I did buy you something and handed me this colorful blouse that I must say, matches the box I made in the previous post. 

TEACHER'S GIFT - Repurpose A Cricut cartridge box

Next week in Teacher appreciation week in our little neck of the woods we call North Texas. My daughter and a friend call it their Super Bowl. They go all out planning and making wonderful, inexpensive gifts too wow the teachers. So much so, that the teacher's fight over who gets to teach my 2 school age grand-daughters and Kim's 4 kiddo's.

This is one I am making for my grand-girl's teachers out of recycled Cricut cartridge boxes. I bought a plastic electronic cartridge container and took all my Cricut cartridges out of the bulky boxes to made more room on my craft shelves. I love the boxes with the little magnet closures and couldn't bear to throw them out so I covered them with scrapbook paper and decorated the tops. You can choose your own flavor of embellishments. I've only made two so far but I am about to go back to the craft-room to make some more.

Here are the pictures of how I did it and the finished products. I'll add the others when I'm finished with my creations.

I used double sided tape to stick the scrapbook paper onto the box. Just put the strips at strategic locations. I suggest you put one on each side of the spine and down the middle of the spine. I didn't on the first one and paper didn't lay flat.

Measure the box and cut the paper accordingly. The Cricut boxes I did were 7 1/2" wide and I cut 11 to 11 1/2" long to wrap about the flap but don't over the magnets as they won't pull as strong through too much paper. If you cut too short (I did the first time) just cut another strip of coordination scrapbook paper and put a piece of ribbonor another strip of  coordination paper down the cut edge.

Now pull the top strip off the double sided tape and carefully stick the paper to the box.

Add embellishments. I put letters on the spine with the teacher's name.

Add a gift for the inside. Candy bars, cookies (put in baggie so it doesn't make grease spots on the box, a bracelet, pencils, etc. Whatever you want to add. You could also cover the inside with felt of velvet to make it a jewelry box. It could be a marker, scissor, pencil box.

Have fun!

What a day for skinny dip.

No, not swimming naked. More like my skin swimming in liquid Nitrogen.

This has definitely been a day. I went to the dermatologist and got some of the ugly keratosis frozen. The back ones I can't see, no problem. Well, except for the pain that is. The legs, not bad. The arm, the stomach, not even hurting now. That's all good. The neck, ew, kind of ugly but I can cover those up with a collar. But, the face. The face. I wanted them off, I hate having to see them in the mirror when I occasionally put on makeup so I wanted them gone and I know, in a couple of weeks, you won't even be able the see the scar. That's the beauty of eradicating them. But today, and for the next two weeks, sigh. I look like I've been in a boxing match and lost. Or a swarm of bees thought I was stealing their honey. Very puffy and swollen.

They removed over 30 keratosis, I had 100 on my back alone. They didn't take them all, I'd be in the hospital I think if he did. I'm embarrassed that I have so many and yet it's nothing I did, they just are. But I hate them. Yes, I said hate. They're ugly, they grow and I scrape them off but they come back. The only way to get rid of them is to freeze, burn, whatever they do. I've had them cut off, cut out, burned and frozen. This doctor is into liquid nitrogen so he freezes them and it burns. I got a little freaked when he was so close to my eyeball I could see the spray. Guess I should have kept my eyes closed more. I don't know what I was thinking. I thought I did but I just had a short term memory pop into my head. Funny how that happens. I think it's an old age thing.

He threw in a wart or two and some other name bumps I have no memory of what he called them. another old age thing. He won't remove the dreaded skin tags, says the insurance doesn't cover that so I should just clip them off. He told me that six months ago. They're still there. Clipping never works for me so why bother. They just come back. And it hurts.

I'm going to try to castor oil again. I've heard that helps get rid of them but it's so oily and yucky. By the way, you put it on the bump, not drink it. I definitely would not drink it.

So that's what I did at the end of my day.

Friday I get a new knee brace and pinning all my hopes on being able to walk without pain. Okay, without as much pain and not having those scary I almost fell moments. That can be embarrassing because it happens so fast and the sudden shooting pain makes me yelp. Loud. I'm sure people think I'm nuts.

I went in around the first of March to be fitted for a new kick butt knee brace and called when I got home from vacation to see if it was ready and apparently, the fax didn't go through to the manufacturer so I had to wait longer. Then it was held up in customs at the border of Mexico. Really? I called today and she said, oh yes, it's in and I have the authorization (I'm guessing from the insurance) and I was going to call you. For the record, she has not called me once, I have always had to call her and she's always about to call. We can see you next Tuesday. Are you kidding me? I've been waiting a month and a half and through no fault of my own, it's been delayed and now I have to wait another week???? Well, let me check, she says (now you're going to check?), I can fit you in Friday at 9 am if you can make it. Great, I'll be there. I know she probably recalled that I try to fit all my appts on my lunch hour or after work. We'll go with that. I'm feeling generous today.

So, now, maybe I'll go try to get my cell phone replaced. It fell in the toilet at church last Wednesday night. I forgot it was in my back pocket, nuff said, no mental pictures please. Now it's decided not to read the SD card which means no camera and I must have my camera. (We are spoiled these days, remember when a cell phone was just a phone. Or we didn't even know what a cell phone was? That's not that far back friends.) So it's either new phone or deciding between The Voice and Dancing with the Stars. Such decisions.

Hope you have a good day. :)